Meshugge for my Mashiach

Counting the cost

This past weekend I spent time putting my "house" in order. The floors were scrubbed, the carpet vacuumed, everything put in it's place. At around 10:30 p.m. Sunday night, I got the notion into my head to redo my photo wall. While looking through pictures I came across a set of photos from my last days at the Focus on the Family Institute in Colorado Springs. One of the classes at the Institute was on marriage, and with every lesson, our professors filled in the blanks of a huge list pasted in front of the class.

At the end of the semester, being the self-proclaimed dork that I am, I took a picture of the list. In fact, I took several pictures of the list, to make sure that I got the whole thing. These were the pictures I found Sunday night. At the top of the list, our dear professors had written, "Marriage; Very Big Ideas." The list was 10 points long.

I put the list on my photoboard. Next to it I tacked on a photo of my parents, who are somewhere in the middle of their third decade of marital togetherness. In one corner I put up a photo of Bob and Pat Miller. I met the Millers two summers ago when I was working with a sports ministry camp. I stayed at their house in Muscatine, Iowa, for the week. In-between stuffing me with delicious cakes and scrumptuous breakfasts, they told me about their lives and their walk with God. They were 80-years-old, and they got married when they were 20. They were getting ready to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary... It was so much fun to watch them. Every time Pat would tell me a story, Bob would make some off-hand remark, and she would stop and just giggle. A smile crept on my face as I thought, "60 years of doing life together... And he still makes her laugh."

Somewhere on the board is a photo of my bosses' family. They have been married for 17 years and are still very much in the middle of raising their kids, who are 13 and 10.

It occurs to me that I have picked an overdone and maybe touchy subject matter. I don't plan to spend the rest of this time giving insight as to how to best tackle the raging waters of marital conquest. I won't wax philosophical. For many of us, this issue is personal, and sensitive. Because it would seem that the world around us is sizing us up and saying, "This is the next step. You're the right age. Get in line."

And that puts us in the spotlight. And the spotlight means pressure to perform. You know what that's like.

I was on the interstate one afternoon when my god-mother called me out of the blue. A woman I have come to admire, she was in the country going to visit her son. I had last seen her two years ago. The ever watchful godmother, she wanted to know about my work, plans for school, church, friends. She paused, as if for effect, then said, "So, what about marriage?"
I almost veered off the road, then chuckled and said, "WHAT about marriage?" She replied, "Are you thinking about it?" Hehe. What do you say to that? "Nah. Haven't thought about it one bit." For her to hear something like that from me would have been a license to lecture.

In one amusing discussion, my mother laid out for me a list of things that she felt my future groom cannot be or have. I'll spare you the details. This gracious and beautiful Nigerian woman was firm in her conviction that I would not end up the stereotypical "old maid," for lack of a better phrase.

So, my culture, my family, my friends, my self, expects me to get married. It may be the same for you.

FFI did well to strip away my illusions of marriage. It did well to paint me a realistic picture of what I would be doing to step into the matrimonial bond. And I was grateful, because up until then my illusions and reality could not very well do the tango.

While all this illusion-stripping was going on, I was also learning other things as well, things about my heart and the path that Abba was carving for me to take. It was not the path I was expecting to find when I got to Focus, and it took me by surprise. I sat in my favorite professor's office and doubted, and questioned, but at the end of the day there was only confirmation.

My professor always scribbled scripture and notes while we were talking, and after one such visit, he had written the scripture Isaiah 40:31. Underneath, he wrote the phrase, "Eagles fly high, and they often fly alone."

There are many ways to interpret his phrase, and during my time at Focus and afterward I began to consider the implications of following through with where I felt Abba was leading me.

And one of those implications was the possibility of committing to a life of singlehood.

I despaired over it, came to grips with it, then despaired all over again. I read scripture. I prayed. I thought it was the worst thing. I thought it was the coolest thing. I thought too much.

I posed the question to my professor, and in his wisdom he simply said, "If God is calling you to a life of singleness, I believe he will make it clear to you, and he will give you the peace you need to walk it out."

In Genesis 2:18, "The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

I noted that God, not Adam, was the one who said it was not good for man to be alone.
And I wondered, what if God looks down at me and says, "It is good for her to stay alone until I finish this in her, or until she walks through that door..." I think I would be fine with that.

But what if he simply said, "It is good for her to be alone" and left it at that?

Would I be willing to lay aside the "good" that is marriage, to follow Abba?

Right under the marriage list I tacked on a photo of yours truly. I am in class at FFI. My head is on the desk, resting on my left arm. I am holding a pen in my other hand, poised to write. My eyes are closed. To the untrained eye, it would appear that I am sleeping.

posted by Handmaiden @ 2:53 pm