It is good to be near you
To be hidden in the shadow of Your wings...
It's the safest place to be but also can be the hardest place to stay. It is my heart's cry that Abba will draw me close to Himself, nestle me close to His bosom, in the cleft of the rock, and all those wonderful cliches we like to use.
SO Abba in his faithfulness opens the door for me. He draws me to HImself.
To do so, however, He first has to turn "my life" upside down. He has to remove all the things that stand in the way of allowing Him complete control. For how can I come into His throne room with idols in my hand?
So the purging starts, and in my view it is complete chaos... I see everything going wrong, nothing makes sense, nothing is going according to my plan for my life... and this is just the beginning.
He breaks me down, see, He sears my heart of pride, He crushes my illusions about my own strength. I get to the point where I am utterly helpless and totally dependent on His favor. I am weak, with no plans, with no idea as to where tomorrow will lead... only hoping, praying that He will not forsake me, becasue He is my only hope, the very light of my eyes.
In that light, I listen more closely to His voice... I rejoice to catch a whisper from His mouth... I exult in the glory of His creation. The trees, flowers, music, sunlight, laughter, all become reasons to praise my creator. His faithfulness, His mercy, is stark and clear to me. I cannot take it for granted, and I cannot help but extol Him, but sing alous of His goodness to me, shout of His favor, which is more precious than life.
Just then His voice startles me as He whispers into my ear... "I have drawn you with lovingkindness" and I realize that I am near Him.
I will sing of Your mercy, Abba. For You alone are worthy of my praise.
It is good to be near You.
Standing before the throne
Today is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement as prescribed by God in the Tanakh. It is probably the most sacred of Jewish Holy Days. It is a day of repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation, the day on which the high priest traditionally would have gone into the Most Holy Place to offer the blood of the ram and goat for atonement of his sins and the sins of the people over the last year. It is illegal in Israel to drive on this day. Jews partake in a 25 hour fast from sundown of the night before to sundown of Yom Kippur.
As messianic believers, we also fasted today, using it as a time to draw near to God and repent of the ways we have gone astray over the past year, including vows we made to God that we knew we could not keep.
It is also a time to think of those we may have wronged and ask for forgiveness.
Abba has been so faithful to me. With all the changes in my life recently, I cannot be in a more sheltered hiding place. I don't know what tomorrow brings.. I can't even think of what the next step will be. Part of me feels my time here in the US is coming to an end... and I'm trying to get ready for what that means.. but I have no ideas, no thought as to what should come next. It's like being in the most calm water, where the waves are so still and the wind so absent that your boat is just not moving... at all...
I can't complain... its' been a time of rest for me.. it's like I've finally been able to catch up to myself.. to actually sit and see where Abba has brought me, how He has molded and shaped me over the past three years. It has been such a time of reflection that some days I feel guilty because I have not "done" a thing!!
My family wants me out of this "dead time" as quickly as possible. My mum doesn't want me to "suffer" anymore. My brother does not want me to go to Israel. Neither do my parents... It's understandable... I have to make peace with them, Abba... I have to at least try. I love them deeply. I love Abba for giving them to me. And it is the hope of my heart that I will not have to choose between them and Abba... for what a choice that would be!
And Abba? I must talk about my Abba. His is the sunrise that wakes me up in the morning... His are the clouds that carry me on wings like eagles as they float past... His are the rustle of leaves as a gentle fall breeze makes its way into the niches of trees. I am enamored by the beauty He speaks to my heart, by the tenderness of His voice in the midst of my confusion. Like a shy girl hugging the walls of the gym, I am in breathtaking awe to look up and find Him standing before me, hands held out... beckoning me to dance with Him.
I live to see His face, to hear the sighs of His heart.
To stand before His throne, robed in pure white...
blameless and unashamed.
yielded
at times I wonder what exactly He sees.
i've never been so content in
the middle of a whirlwind.
in the natural eye,
nothing makes sense.
it would seem that i am being stripped,
layer after layer,
unrelenting scrutiny
under watchful eyes.
It is like being skinned alive,
sliver by sliver, until the whole body,
its' natural covering shorn,
lays exposed, bleeding...
vulnerable.
Does a clay jar shattered
ask its potter to state his intent?
And if I saw where
this traipsing trail led,
would I walk through the haze
with even an ounce more of courage?
Would the darkness be less heavy,
the silence less cold?
Would I not, being only human,
shudder with intense fear,
if He granted my request
and showed me the length
of the arid deserts, the
depth of the murky waters,
that would leave me standing
a woman etched in His image?
I will wait on Him,
in the eye of the storm.
In this place of Shalom,
I will rest my head at His feet
and sing... of His mercy.
